Learning to be well-differentiated

A couple of weeks ago I talked about Christ-centred differentiation in a sermon.  It’s a hard but crucial concept to understand.  In fact, it’s one of the most important concepts I’ve ever learned.  And no one does a better job of describing it than Edwin Friedman.  Here’s how he defines it:

Differentiation means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life’s goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say “I” when others are demanding “you” and “we”.  It includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being.  It can be measured somewhat by the breadth of one’s repertoire of responses when confronted with crisis.  The concept should not be confused with autonomy or narcissism, however.  Differentiation means the capacity to be an “I” while remaining connected.
(E. Friedman, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue, p. 27)

When a family member/staff member/board member/church member loses the capacity to be differentiated they (consciously or unconsciously) operate to force the whole family closer.  Individual ideas, opinions, and perspectives that do not align with their way of seeing the world will result in sabotage.

Friedman succinctly spells out they way well-differentiated and not-so-differentiated people may respond in the church to define themselves or subvert the leader.  He writes:

All we have to do is give a talk in which we carefully differentiate ourselves–define clearly what we believe and where we stand on issues, in a way that is totally devoid of “should” and “musts.”  The response from the congregational family, no matter what the faith, will always range along the following spectrum.  Those who function emotionally toward the “better differentiated” end will respond by defining themselves: “Father, I agree”; “I disagree”; “I believe”; etc.; or, “Ms. Jones, I like what you said, though I am not sure I can agree with you on…”  Those at the “less well-differentiated” end will respond not by defining themselves but by continuing to define their clergyman or clergywoman: “Father, how can you say that when…”; “Ms. Smith, how do you reconcile this with what you said the other day when you…”; “Rabbi, sometimes I wonder if you are even Jewish.”  (E. Friedman, Generation to Generation, p. 30)    

It’s tough to maintain an “I” posture when you’re confronted with “we” language.  I’ve sat through many meetings: board, staff, or otherwise and watched how difficult it is for an “I” to stand against the “we”.  However, this is exactly what is needed.  This defining action is precisely what separates the best leaders from ones that maintain the status quo.

Be warned!  An attack (sometimes overt, sometimes covert) is lurking at the door of every leader that decides to be an “I” in a family or group that is bent on being “we”.  Poorly differentiated leaders act to sabotage well-differentiated leaders:
“We” think “you” should (or must)…
It’s the ultimate power play and it’s often the moment when the “I” crumbles.

I’ve crumbled quite a bit in the past few years as a church leader.  I’m not proud of it but I also know God is working my weakness into His strength.  My “I” is stronger now that it has been in a long time.  I give huge credit to three people: my amazing and brilliantly well-differentiated wife, my wise and caring spiritual director, and a cussing prophet who’s best friend is a horse.

To all those seeking to live well-differentiated lives, here’s some biblical encouragement:

“In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” (Matt. 5:48)